Shepherding A Child's Heart - Getting Through to the Heart of the Matter

Getting through to the heart of the matter with your children is much easier said than done. It takes hard work, consistency, and determination to show your children a sincere effort to understand them as opposed to just attempting to control their behavior. I'm so pleased to be reading the insightful  book by Ted Tripp called - Shepherding a Child's Heart  I've gained valuable insight and encouragement through this book and I believe you will too. 

Aside from walking in obedience to God in my life - there is nothing more important to me than my family. He has given me this wonderful husband and these three sweet boys to care for. I cannot do it well enough under my own power - I need God's grace on a daily basis to serve them properly. 

I'm learning to pray over them on a daily basis and to pray my way through the tough times. We have some special circumstances in our family with one boy in particular who needs me full of God's grace and love. I'm learning so much about what that really means as I study this book and share with our online book club. 

Today I'm guest posting for Amanda @ The Pelser's on a controversial - yet critical topic. I do hope you'll join me! Whether you get the book through my affiliate link here on Adventurez or find it at your local library I hope you'll take the time to read it and come back to let me know what you think about it as well. 

Please pray for our family as I work to get through to the hearts of my children 

- I'm happy to pray for yours! 

If you have special prayer requests you are welcome to leave them here or send them to my email 

I also have a fb page where you are welcome to leave a private message: 

AdventurezInChildRearing on FB 

Counting to #1000 Gifts and Beyond: 

#261- So grateful for my faithful God Who brings me the information I need 

#262- For friends who encourage and pray 

#263- Daily blessings of love and laughter 

#264- Getting through to little hearts 

#265- Family bonds 

#266- Seeing the Holy Spirit working in the lives of my children

#267- Flowers/ weeds from proud little boys 

#268- Sparkles in the eyes 

#269- Little boy prayers that come from the heart 

#270- Relationships blooming from boys with their Savior 

Gratefully Linking With: 

Shepherding a Child's Heart- Communication- Chapter 8-9

Embracing Biblical Methods - Communication 

Over the past few weeks we've read and discussed several different types of parenting techniques

 including everything from bribing your children through various reward systems to punishing techniques

 like time-outs. At the heart of the discussion has been the heart of our children - and the fact that the

 point in parenting isn't simply to control their behavior - but to reach their hearts - 

turning their hearts towards the things of God as they grow in relationship with their Creator. 

I know that I personally have fallen into many of the traps of "manipulating" my children into "behaving" properly rather than staying focused on training them to change their heart. Sometimes I may even go 

through several different techniques in the course of a day. "If you're good in the grocery store - you

 can have a cookie!" Flat out bribery - for my own convenience. Quite frankly, I may very well use that

 one again at my next store visit. But, what this book is showing me is that on a regular basis - my heart 

needs to be in tune with the things of God - so that I can encourage my children to desire to glorify Him 

with their actions and choices. 

Ephesians 6:1  "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right"                                                    Is a Bible verse that we heard frequently while growing up - and now in our own home -

I've used it as our "weekly" memory verse on more than one occasion (sometimes we need refresher 

courses) By instilling these truths in the heart of our children - we can remind them to check

their hearts with what the Bible says instead of "manipulating" them into doing what we want. 

A two way street

I love a quote from Chapter 8 which says "rich communication prohibits cold, tyrannical discipline"

Our children need discipline. We must put our God given authority to good work - but godly authority 

does not mean force! Forced behavior does not bring your children closer to the Lord - it has the

opposite effect. Rich communication is not about expressing yourself - but about getting others to

 express themselves instead. "It's about drawing out the thoughts of another" 

Yelling at your children and giving long speeches doesn't facilitate heart change. 

Understanding 

In order to help your children turn their hearts to the Lord - you must first understand what's going on 

with them. They need our guidance - not our control. I see such a difference in disciplining my children 

when the feel secure that I'm on their team. I remind them that I'm there to help them do what's right -

I'm for them and not against them. If they can feel secure in that even when they are "in trouble"- it 

goes a long way towards open and honest communication which leads to getting back on the right track.

You can begin this even with very young children by giving them the words to express how they are 

feeling. Identifying our emotions is a critical part of controlling them - your children will sense that you

are there to help as you guide them through this process. With the youngest it may sound something like

this "I can see that you're upset. Are you feeling angry?" Assuring them that we all have these feelings

is an important part of the communication process. Having feelings is not a sin - it's what we do with 

those feelings that leads to heart changes in one direction or the other. 

Rules, Correction, Discipline 

Every home must have rules. We must be able to correct our children and discipline is needed to teach 

them that there are consequences in life for the choices we make. But if this is the extent of the 

communication in your home - you are missing out on getting to the heart of the matter. 

Shepherding a Child's Heart shows us a different type of "behavior chart" it's more of a "communication" 

chart instead. It goes like this: 

Summary 

People are complicated individuals. Little people are just as complicated and need our help in learning

to understand their emotions, to control themselves, and to communicate. Encouraging healthy and 

rich communication in your home means learning to combine the steps listed in the communication chart

above. For instance- you may rebuke in a way that warns or teaches. You may encourage in a way 

which instructs and entreats.

Bottom Line

The bottom line is that in order to shepherd our children's hearts toward the things of God - we must 

learn to communicate richly with our children. Our kids are born with an innate desire to be close to 

us. By showing genuine interest in understanding them - using patience, love, and gentleness to reach 

out to them - we can guide them and shepherd their hearts. 

*We are fighting spiritual battles on our homefronts - Although we may not win every battle 

We know who ultimately wins the war! May God have the glory in your home this week

Much Love, 

Counting to #1000 Gifts and beyond

#251- Teaching little boys to stick fish like I did as a girl 

#252- Spring days when a "cold front" means 74 degrees and a breeze

#253- Visits to the country 

#254- Fellowship (In)RL with blogger friends 

#255- Kindred hearts

#256- Historic lighthouse field trip with a view 

#257- Dolphins jumping in the pass 

#258- Communication with my boys 

#259- Boys learning Bible verses 

#260- Little hearts turning to Jesus 

Linking with: 

Shepherding a Child's Heart- Chapter 6-7

If the end goal of man is to: 

"Glorify God and enjoy Him forever" 

What are we teaching our children if we always manage to find time for baseball or soccer 

practice - yet can't seem to squeeze in quiet time in the Word each day? 

What priorities are we living out loud? 

A favorite quote from chapter 6: 

"A biblical worldview dictates that you should teach your children to exercise and care for their 

bodies as an expression of stewardship of God's gifts." 

I would like to add that the same can be said for stewardship of the earth - 

it is our responsibility to care for the earth and all God created. 

One of the ways we "live that out-loud" in our family life is during our process of 

"Exploring God's Creation" - we have an ongoing family goal to examine - explore - and learn about 

the things of the earth - from the perspective that we can know God better through that 

examination. Our children are learning on a daily basis that it is all by Him - and for Him - and 

that He created the earth and all that is in it - at least in part - to communicate Himself to us. 

It is this kind of daily nurturing of our children's minds and hearts towards the things of God 

through family worship on a regular basis - that we impart these truths to our children. 

In our home - the mention of the things of God - flows in regular conversation throughout the day. 

It isn't a subject we study in school - or something we do on Sunday 

It is a way of life - living - breathing - and communicating the things of God. 

"Teaching your children to live for the glory of God must be your overarching objective" 

This is the worthy goal of parenting - all else falls right into place behind it. 

"Biblically, the method (of parenting) is as important as the objectives"

Many of the parenting techniques applied and acceptable in today's society are superficial. 

They address the behavior of the child - they even may successfully train the child to perform in an 

exemplary manner - impressive to the world- but they aren't addressing the heart issues. 

Technically - if you modify the behavior - you do indeed modify the heart - as they are so closely linked

but, most of the methods used today are not biblically sound. 

By rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior - what are we really training in the heart? 

If a child learns based on these methods - they are basically learning greedy self-interest and going

about the process of obtaining rewards instead of choosing to do what is right for the sake of 

doing what is right - and glorifying God with their life. 

"Behaviorism" works - it works well - children are smart and human nature dictates that they should follow after a system which rewards them. It does not however, turn their heart to God. 

1 Samuel 2:30
Therefore the LORD God of Israel says, I said indeed that your house, and the house of your father, should walk before me forever: but now the LORD says, Be it far from me; for them that honor me I will honor, and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed.

We see behavior modification, emotional approach, bribery approach, punitive approach - 

If the heart is the well-spring of life - which it is 

How are any of these methods biblical? They aren't!

I have fallen into the trap of working towards behavior modification myself - the book clubs we have done - both the "How to Have a Heart For Your Kids" and now this one "Shepherding a Child's Heart" 
have both helped me to reshape my goals as a parent. It's making a difference in our home. It's making a change in me - and in turn - it's making a change in the hearts of my children.

I encourage you to read them for yourself - you can find other book club posts here at The Pelsers

And I count. . . . . to #1000 Gifts and beyond: 

#241 - heart changes

#242- time to watch the birds 

#243- quiet moments before the boys get up 

#244- real change 

#245- seeing God move in the hearts of my children 

#246- hearing brothers pray together without my instruction 

#247- biblical priorities taking shape in our home 

#248- healing hearts 

#249- family pulling together to encourage each other in Christ 

#250- seeing the passion ignite to show others our Jesus 

Linking with these great blogs: 

*there are affiliate links in my post - if you purchase through one of these links - I do make a profit for our family - I do not condone products unless we love them - selling these books is not the purpose of this article but to share with you what I'm learning and how we are growing through reading them - thank you 

Shepherding a Child's Heart - Chapter 4 n 5 - Miracles

Link to the Kick-off post on The Pelsers

Chapter 4 -5 

If you've been following any of the posts from this series so far - you already know that Tedd Tripp's 

book isn't focused on teaching you to change your child's behavior - but to reach your child's heart. 

In chapter 2-3 we read that there are "shaping influences" in your child's life that serve to shape who 

they become. We learned that it's both his life experience and how he reacts to those life experiences 

which make him who he is. Most importantly - we discovered that although we are responsible to teach

him to follow God's will for his life - we are not responsible for the choices he ultimately makes. 

We are called to be in charge

Chapter 4-5 delves into the dynamics of the parent-child relationship. Although it's wonderful to enjoy

your children - we are not called to be their "friend" - we are called to be their authority. 

The culture today does not like authority

It doesn't take a genius to see that parental authority is NOT what's going in much of the world today. 

Without a biblical understanding - people of any culture cannot follow after God's will on any particular 

topic - including that of parenting. 

Freedom is not found in autonomy but in obedience 

Psalm 119: 44- 47  teaches us that keeping God's law is the way to liberty. We must be bold in speaking

of His laws (especially with our own families) and take our delight from being under God's authority. 

In John 14:15 - Jesus says, "If you love me, keep my commandments."

Children are called to obedience

 Is it not true then that if we love

our children - we will also teach them to keep His commandments - and does that not include:

  "Children obey your parents, in the Lord, for this is right"? 

We are operating as God's agents 

We answer directly to God for our actions. Our children answer directly to us. Therefore, we are in effect - agents of God in the lives of our children. When they obey their parents - they are obeying God. 

So much more 

The rest of the details in chapter 4 will help parents see "how" to implement the task of requiring and teaching obedience in your home. The details cover having clear objectives, no place for anger in teaching obedience, and humility. It spells out the benefits for children who learn to accept correction. 

It teaches you to see discipline as what God intended it to be - an expression of love. 

Parenting goals

You can get as many answers to a question on parental goals as you have people. Godly parenting isn't about providing a child with "happiness" or even "good behavior". But should be about teaching their children to be "set apart" - to follow fervently after the things of God - to seek Him with their whole heart! 

If you do not have this book - I cannot say enough to encourage you to get it and dive in! It's extremely affordable on Kindle from Amazon  - save 64% and read it right from the computer. If you are a "book in hand" kinda person - you can get the paperback here for under $10 - Shepherding a Child's Heart  

Our testimony: 

Our home is full of imperfect people. We all have our short-comings and need God's grace and 

forgiveness every - single - day. My youngest son has been particularly challenging. You see, his birth 

mother chose to expose him to drugs and chemicals in the womb. After he was born - there was neglect 

- and we can only imagine what my child went through before we adopted him at 8 months of age. Our 

son has been diagnosed with "defiance disorder". 

He has had a huge battle on his little hands. We have had a huge battle on our hands. The enemy does not want a life of freedom and obedience for my baby - he thought this one was a shoe-in. 

He thought wrong. 

We have put Christ first in our home. Lord knows, I drop the ball. I feel defeat. I have felt that I was failing my children - but I press on toward the mark. As a homeschool mom - 

I begin our days with the Word - we begin our homeschool with the Word and with prayer. 

Yesterday was a terrible no good horrible very bad day. My son was determined to defy me on everything I said or did. He refused to obey in ways that I cannot even describe to you. It was all over him - every cell of his being was focused on doing the opposite of what I requested. You'd have to see it to believe it.  His brothers were getting more and more upset on my behalf. (Most of this behavior is directed at me). 

At one point - he went into a rage. A rage. I had to close the door of his room and walk away. He was violently out of control. I went to my own room to pray. Without my knowledge - our 10 year old had gone his knees as well. He asked God for wisdom and headed to the little guys room. 

He told Spence he loves him. He asked his little brother why he'd want to behave this way. Spencer admitted that he didn't have any idea why he does the things he does. After a long heart to heart with his big brother- together they stood and shouted at the enemy to "get thee behind me". They knelt  together and prayed - asking God for wisdom, strength, and courage to make the right choices and to follow after the things of God. 

Now y'all - I realize that we will have other bad days. I know that the war isn't over. But - God has the victory in our home. We are filling our children with the living Word of God - and HE is turning their hearts.

I share this story because . . . . .  

I want to encourage you

No matter what giants you are facing - our God can move mountains! He is working a miracle in our home - and He wants to in yours. Don't throw in the towel on parenting because of past mistakes- press on. Fill your home with truth -  lean on God's Word. Pour yourself into teaching the Bible in your home - and God will be faithful. My children are not my own - they are His. My life is not my own - it is His. 

Joshua 24: 15 "As for me and my house - we will serve the Lord." 

Counting to #1000 Gifts and beyond:

#241 -  power of the Word 

#242 - faithfulness of the Almighty God

#243 - this online book club 

#244 - encouraging friends who pray 

#245 - grace on a daily basis 

#246 - authority over darkness

#247 - power in the blood 

#248 - praying children 

#249 - little one's learning to follow after God 

#250 - miracles 

Linking: